DreamcatcherReview

From: Phil
Sent: Wednesday, December 08, 2004 10:41 AM
To: Vince, Edward, Jeff, dick
Subject: disappointed by another horror movie - Dreamcatcher

I watched that Stephen King movie 'Dreamcatcher' last night. Why do I always fall for those movies? It sucked. So hard. Crimes against movie watching humanity include:

First of all, the plot was ridiculous - aliens taking over the world crap. But that can be a good movie, if it isn't shot down by other problems. Guess what? There are problems:

1. Lots of good actors couldn't hide plot holes, bad directing, and bad story in general. The lead guy Damian Lewis is awesome (he was one of the main characters in Band of Brothers). Jason Lee. Morgan Freeman. Time Sizemore. Donny Wahlberg. Etc. Good actors in a bad movie actually make the movie badder because you are constantly reminded that the movie could be so much better.

2. The director treats viewers like idiots. Case in point: Jonesey (Damian Lewis) kills a state trooper and takes his car (while under influence of bad alien). First shot: cop car pulls up while Jonesey is waving his arms. Second shot: car pulling away with dead body next to side of road. Butwait, here's the third shot: CLOSEUP OF DEAD BODY CLEARLY SHOWING BADGE. Just in case you are so much of a freaking dumbass you can't figure out that if a cop car is pulling away and there's a dead body next to the road, JONESEY KILLED THE COP.

3. Treats viewers like idiots, part deux: Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore, when not too busy as secret army officers coordinating alien hunting, ALSO PILOT AH-64 APACHE helicopters and SHOOT ALIENS. Because they are so amazingly talented.

4. THE MOVIE JUST WASN'T SCARY. Some of the aliens are worms that gestate in your belly and come out your ass. Oh, and they have big teeth. I loved that one when it was called ALIEN and ALIENS and ALIEN3 and ALIEN RESURRECTION. Zzzzzzzz. (this is perhaps the greatest crime a horror movie can commit, btw)

5. The plot was a recycling of every other Stephen King story evar. A group of boys on the cusp of becoming teenagers experience something incredible and magical. Then many years later they come back together and somehow that previous event was foreshadowing and some sort of preparation for current events. Pitch to movie execs: "See, this new blockbuster is IT meets STAND BY ME. Bring in the whores and cocaine!"

6. Retarded magic powers kid/guy (retarded boy in Stand By Me part, retarded Donnie Wahlberg as adult) turns out to be some sort of MAGIC ALIEN who battles the bad alien at the end of the movie. Who knew? EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER SAT THROUGH THIS MOVIE.

Once again I fell for it. WTF?

P.

ps - is 'retarded donnie wahlberg' redundant?